In the emergency and accident ward, you'll encounter with all sorts of cases. This morning the moment I stepped into work, three robbery victims were already waiting for me. 1 went bicycling with his children, and was assaulted with 3-4 people with a mallet, who hit him repeatedly then eventually threw the mallet on his face. Luckily nothing happened to the children,
The second and third case happened at about 5.00 am at the local karaoke centre, where the robbers threatened them with a 35 cm long machete.
The man need to be warded with a CT scan done to rule out injury to the head, while the girl sustained superficial laceration wound on the 3rd and 4th finger, and a 15 cm long laceration wound on the left shoulder...
Sign, I am worried for my family and children.
Yes, I may have lost a dad, my wife, my sanity for a short while, but there are couple of things when I was in solitude, I began to wonder, I may have lost something, but these are outside circumstances. It doesn't necessarily change my true happy go lucky self.
Let me show you how I was when I was still single, my life was always joyful.
Even as a father, I would always consider myself as the luckiest and the happiest father in the world.
Bought this pajamas for Leo in purpose.
Even the cartoons that I drew reflects my state of mind back then.....
I drew this free hand with a bunch of crayons and it's still pasted on the wall of my cupboard. This is the latest piece that I ever drew so far, 14 years ago,
This abstract painting of a cat for a fellow close friend of mine who happens to be a cat lover.
Painting that I took me 2 full days to paint for my parent's 30th wedding anniversary.
A photograph that I took, picture framed, and I wrote a lovely poem next to it as a gift to my parent's 40th wedding anniversary.
A rose that I drew for my ex wife's birthday.
Coming home from work with multiple small toys properly arranged on my chest pocket to get my kid's attention.
Often times, after work, I would head to the nearest mini market, get some market pen, glue, and coloured dust and create some arts pieces with little Isabelle.
During my university years, I was voted as the most eligible bachelor three times out of 4 years.
These are some of the pictures that was taken before my dad's passing. You need to be a happy person to travel, to paint a beautiful picture, to spend quality time doing projects with your children. There is love involved, and you're immersed into it.
But while all of these was happening, nobody knew my dad's were numbered...
It took me months and thousand of miles of traveling to seek refuge and reconcile with God to find back some peace of mind, restructure my life together again.. Just as I had turn into a new man, I was slapped on the face with another saddening event.... Found out my wife having and affair, and decided to walk out of our 10 years of marriage and take away my 3 babies. That totally devastated me. I cried every single night. I cried in the bathroom, I cried while laying on the bed. What did I ever do wrong to her?
Then after cuckcoo demands through her lawyer, I realized I've lost a wife forever. I accepted the fact, and always hoped for the best for her. But she doesn't see it that way. The reason for my to prolonged the signing of the affidavit was because the clauses were all against me!
But then again, The moment I enter the house today, I only think of my dad, and not my wife anymore. I can't remember when was the last time I raised my voice towards her. Seriously.
Time indeed heals all wounds.
Sometimes, life is so enigmatic, that the people closest to you are the one who goes against you when you are in need of help the most, but friends, strangers, are the ones who gives you the most sensible support that you need.
A friend of mine in Facebook sent this song for me, and I cried listening to the song, but it was a cry of happiness......for the first time....
I've tried listening to indian classical music, old songs, songs that I use to listen to while my dad was still around, but non of those seem to help me ease my sadness. But this song, the first time I listen to it, it struck me right at core of my heart.
The lyrics is so true.
Everyone tells me I need to move on, that i need to accept it. But I find it hard to. Until I heard this song, that reminds me of my lovely and loving father, whom I wish I could hold his hand again, or see him again.
I would like to thank Anne Vi who sent me this song. My mind is at peace whenever I listen to them. Thank you so much Anne.
Today, I realized my mum is slowly handling all the household responsibility to me. I am taking over my father's role.
Though I am alone at home, but the memories of my father will always remain. I love you,pa..
As my alarm went off at 5.45am in the morning, I quickly woke up to shut it off to avoid waking little Natalie and Leonidas who were curled up on me.
First thing that came across my mind was a,"Well, here comes a brand new day. But I still couldn't get over the anger I had over my wife's message". I was already stressed with the circumstances which led to our separation, or rather betrayed with the circumstances that led to our broken family.
She started dictating the terms and conditions for the divorce via her lawyer. She claimed that her lawyer calls her up everyday to hasten up the process of divorce. To my knowledge, no lawyer ever does that.
I was angry that she simply dumped the children at my doorstep while she goes for her business trips. What about my work? My mother was scheduled to go to Melaka a few days before, and since the kids are here, she has to delay her trip. My mother is 73 years old, we have no maid at home, how is it possible to look after the kids that way? She complained that I procrastinated in signing the affidavit for the divorce, but I told her I've been working like crazy. She doesn't believe me! So, here's the proof.
72 hours per week! I start work at 7am, finish work by 9pm. Which law firm would open at night? In addition to that, its not procrastinating, but if she has an extramarital affair and walk out on me, and start to dictate the terms and condition before finalizing the separation, don't you think there's something wrong here?
I am too sick and fed up with writing what transpired during her trip to Thailand with her Italian boss, but as far as I am concerned, no lawyer would harass their client to hasten up the signing of the affidavit. Some takes years before the divorce is finalized. So, while I was in the car workshop get my the tire fixed, this is what I received.....
Wow.... how reasonable. She took the kids away from me, and conveniently kick them back when she wants. Is this how what you call motherly love? In addition to that, my daughter called me up in the evening and told me that her mother called her up and mentioned to her that she will not pick the children up even after she comes back from her business trip, and that will only only do so after I sign the affidavit.
I call this blackmail. What would you call it?
Even in the animal kingdom, animals would die protecting their children. But in this, what would you call this?
Kicking the children here and there whenever she wants to.
I don't know why am i writing this post. Now that i am damn pissed off thinking about it again. Cool..
Indeed when you are facing changes in life, especially the ones that augments you beyond your comfort zone, losing all your saving, losing your love ones, divorce, lost of health,death, the first reaction (and not response) would be to be depressed, sad, or even angry.As upset you may get, trust me, time heals all wound.
Some of you may say things like,"Yeah, this guy is simply yacking, or what does this guy know about pain?"
Trust me, I know. Because I've been through them.
The first "reaction" would be all the negative feelings that i've mentioned. It may last for days(rarely), weeks( also rarely), months( I am in this category), or even years.
You may start doing some stupid and silly things, having funny thoughts creeping into your mind during such period.
My sincere advice is, don't be alone. But I had to face it alone at the end of the day.
It all started with the passing of my dad last June.
I watched him dying and suffering. I begged God and recite the Psalm 5 every single day. If we are back in the Biblical times, I would have shed blood from my eyes. The moment my father passed away, I became a changed man. I was quiet, always stay alone, lost my direction of life, feeling lifeless, my home is not home anymore.
depressed. Severely depressed.
I couldn't go home at times, after work, I would drive aimlessly around KL city till 3-4 am in the morning before going home.
I lost my appetite to eat, I became insomnic, I started taking sleeping pills.... at mega doses. I don't just want to just sleep, I want to sleep my problem off. But it never worked. I would still need to wake up and face the same heart wrenching day again. It felt like my heart is about to burst into pieces. At times, I find it difficult to breathe.
There's when I lost all my faith and believe in God. There is no God. If God could heal the blind, heal the bleeding lady, give sight to the blind, turn water into wine, feed 5000 with a piece of bread, and walk on water, why can't he heal my father?
BULLSHIT
God did not show me an indication that he was around when I needed him the most. God never show me any sign that he was listening to my prayers. Not a speck of presence of God.
The Father did not listen to my prayers.
When my father finally passed away on late June of last year, I was convince there's no God. I stopped praying and recite prayers ever since. NO more God for me. I had it. We worshiped you, and yet you let my father suffer. He struggled for months before his passing. WHY???
He was the extension of your arm to reach out to the poor and crippled, yet, you forsaked him. In that case, why should I do good in this life?
For months, I was a walking zombie. The birds doesn't wing anymore, no more bells ringing, no early morning chirps of birds to great me. I feel lethargic, depressed.
Eventually, in early October, I decided I must move on, I can't live like this...for how long am I going to go through this. I need to change and accept his passing.
Everywhere I go reminds me of him. The clinic which he helped me to set up, home,going up the stairs where despite no matter how late i come back, he would open the door and ask me how was business. No more of that.
I decided to reconcile with God, make peace with him. So, I flew to Thailand in search of a monastery for pilgrimage.
I did some research and found Sunnataram Forest Monastery, over 300km from Bangkok.
I was surprised to see so many foreigners there. All seeking pilgrimage, or learn about Buddhism.
We learned the real teaching of Buddha, meditation throughout the day, relax and contemplate on our life, reprogramme our minds and hearts.
I was surprised to find out that these gigantic statue of Buddhas were hand built from the monks themselves. Each with different faces, indicating different characters.
There was a 150 foot statue of the King of Thailand(he is treated like a demi God in Thailand.) Smacked at the centre of 25 standing statues of Buddha, there lays a giant Buddha statue, built in the right proportion. I sincerely do not know how they do it. The faces of the statues look serene, the body in the right proportion, beautifully sculptured.
The monks doesn't use any form of measuring device to sculpture the face. Its all based upon instinct and peace of mind. Once you have peace of mind, your handy work would reveal it.
So, the schedule was to wake up at 5.00am, wash up, prayers and meditation, then break for lunch, 2 hours of reading Buddhist scripture, then meditation again, night chanting of mantra, dinner, rest then lights off by 9pm. Its such a peaceful and calm environment, so much so that you feel like you are in another world, where there's only peace and love. The senior monk, which I forgot what his name was, who was in charge of foreigners and always speaks with a calm, compassionate, and feelings, that soothes even the people with the most hard core problem.
I would say staying there is more more rejuvenation and to find peace of mind from within which has been hidden by layers of our everyday stress and work that we lost our true childhood from within.
The monk asked me whether was I a happy child when i was young, I said of course. "Where did the child go now? What happened to him?"
Then it all came back to me. Buddha said nothing is permanent in life. There's no surety in life except death. As a matter of fact, we started dying the moment we are born. Think about it, aren't we?
After about a month, I was totally refreshed, ready to start life all over again. Accepted the presence of God from within us all, and my father's death.
I came home a new man. I smiled while leaving the monastery, and was feeling "enlightened". I traveled back to Bangkok and spent a night there as my flight was the next day. So, I went shopping for the kids.
For a month, I kept a diary where I write my everyday account. Each post I would start with the word,"My dearest wife", as if I am talking to her. I wrote poems, my improvement, what i've learned on that particular day, my new realization about life, etc...
Since before you enter the monastery, they take away your hand phone and other electronic devices, only diaries, books, and writing material are allowed.
So, I wrote in the diary as if I was speaking to my wife then.
While in Bangkok, I stayed in Galleria Hotel, smack right at Sukhumvit Road 10.
The room was clean and comfortable.It was simple yet luxurious.
The best part the room is.......
The 50 inch LED TV embedded onto the wall.
Of course around Sukhumvit road, there are plenty of entertainment.... there were plenty of REALLY PRETTY CHICKS and prostitutes around. But I had no interest after my newly found self.
Instead, all I could think of was my three children.
I couldn't wait to get back home. The very next day, I went to the airport 4 hours earlier before schedule.
Watching the planes take off and landing is certainly a soothing sight to see, and it makes you contemplate upon life.
Looks like I am not the only person contemplating upon life.
I was so happy to board the plane. Why flying at cruising heights, I see the world from a different perspective.
The higher the plane goes, the more insignificant we appear to be..... until the moment we were cruising above the clouds.... I saw nothing...
Perhaps this is where angels soars while golden wings up in the heavens. Perhaps my dad is here now, looking down at us, looking down at me.
Papa... I really miss you....
They say once a person passed on, they would appear back to their prime.... So, I assume my daddy would look like this now...
He was the all state Pahang school sprinter champion who ran in Stadium Negara in the presence of the late Tun Abdul Rahman. He held the record for 100 yards(92 meters) in Stadium Merdeka until they decided to change into SI unit where it's replaced by 100 meters. Sadly, my dad's record was erased along with it, along with other record holders.
Just like me, he used to get whacked from his dad while he was young.
This is me when I was about 6, not my dad.
When I came back, I was afresh, rejuvenated like this flower.......
But the sad reality was.....my actual circumstances was like this.........
Just less than 10 days after I came back, my wife had to fly over to Bangkok with her Italian boss for a business meeting.
Once she reached the hotel, I called her up, asking for which hotel she is staying in so that I could call her through the hotel so that if wouldn't be double charged if I call her cellphone.
She told me Citidines Hotel.
I called the concierge to confirm her name and flight number..... They told me everything correctly, from her name, flight number, time of arrival......and unfortunately, her room number.....
"Yes sir, Miss XXXX XXX XXXX arrival from Kuala Lumpur from flight number XXXXX 2 person at room XXX."...
I was stunned for a while.... "Single room?"
"Yes sir..."
"Single bedded room"----please tell me it;s not!!!!
"...........Yes sir"....
I nearly dropped the phone. I was in shock. Shocked beyond belief. Later on that day, I called again twice to reconfirmed what the concierge told me... both told me the same thing....
I was so shock and in disbelieve, so much so that I couldn't cry, or talk.......
Of course I felt betrayed and XXXXXXXXX"Sorry, the word to describe it hasn't been invented yet!"
I did not call to connect to the room.
2 days later, I called, and then the concierge told me a different story... "Sorry sir, we don't have any records of such customer ever stayed in our hotel" I called 2 more times, and they told me the same thing...
I had no one to turn to. The only logical person to talk to is my lawyer.. "That's a typical case where they deleted their data so you can't have the prove in court."
On the sixth day, I called the same hotel, and insisted to talking to the manager. He adamantly denied them ever stayed in their hotel. "How was it possible on the first day, you told me all the correct particulars, plus the room number, and now there's no record of them staying there!?"
"No Sir, I don't have their record"
Muthafuc***!!!!
Mind you, during those six days, I didn't call to connect to their room, just spoke to the concierge.
When my wife came back from Bangkok, I was at work. When I came back, my wife told me she wanted a divorce.
FU**ING HELL!!
I confronted her, but she adamantly denied it. She even claimed that I called her so many times that her boss got so irritated that he told her that he doubts if she is suitable for the job! But I didn't even call her, not even once!!!!
MUTHAFU**ING HELL!!!
She even blamed me for being given less assignment overseas since i "harass them" so often......
MUTHAFU**ING LIES!!!!!
"Give me two weeks, I will shift out along with the kids!" That's all that she said, and then for the next two weeks, we never spoke. There's nothing to talk about anymore. She had an affair, what is there to talk about. I caught them red handed.
That explains why she adamantly refused me to drive her to the bus stop in 1Utama to board the bus to LCCT cause that FUC*** was there.
But then again, it takes two to tango, right?
Is it morally correct to call your "about to be divorce" wife "FU**ER!?"
For no reason, we were married for 9 years, with three beautiful kids, now a family destroyed.
God, i just came back rejuvenated, and this happen just right at the moment when I am about to start a new life???
I was so depressed beyond words to describe it. So much so that I couldn't cry. I was feeling back to my old shitty self all over again....
I had no friends to turn to. I had no one to talk to. My mother was just a few days away from flying over to Australia with my sister.
I was lost in life just as I was about to start anew. The devil was prancing and doing his dance in my head. I contemplated suicide 4 times. As I am a member of City Centre Shooting club in Sentul, I could simply "off" myself by shooting my brains out.
I was very well versed when comes to handguns. Simply aim the gun at the head, pull the trigger, then no more pain.
Since I was a regular initially for the first few months, the operators trusted me and knew I handle guns well, they felt comfortable leaving me all alone in the shooting range all by myself. Normally there would be a person sitting observing while you shoot to ensure safety at all times. I had all the choices of guns to choice from, but my favourite would be CZ 75 and Glock 17.
The CZ 75 heavy, steady gun with least recoil, made from the Czechs Republic...
And of course the Glock 17, but on that particular day, I was using Glock 19, which is more suitable for first time shooters as the trigger pressure is much tighter.
This is the Glock 17. Unless you fired and held the gun, one wouldn't able to tell the difference between all the different Glocks. But I've made a video on the Glock 19 that I was using that day.
And trust me, I am quite an accurate in shooting. If I could hit the target all 15 round at the centre mass at 5 meter, and 10 meter, shooting the head at point blank is no problem.
As I had mentioned earlier, for months, the devil kept on prancing inside my head having a great time to "finish" myself off, there were a few times where I actually point the gun, lock and loaded into my mouth. All I had to do was to pull the lighter trigger of the CZ 75, then it will end all my misery. But each time when my finger is at the trigger, just as Tupac Shakur mentioned in his song, "each time when I held the 9,(these guns fires the 9mm calibre rounds), all I see was my children's eyes."
What would my children think when they grow up when they found out their father committed suicide? I took the gun out from my mouth, eject the bullet out...and after done shooting, I would asked the owner for the live round as a momento. Surprisingly, they gave it to me. Until, today, I kept the round as a reminder to continue living, and fighting for survival.
Before my ex left the house, she packed all her stuff, and I made this video recording which I watch everyday to remind myself why I should continue to excel in life.
Out of this separation, I realized children will never forget their parent so easily. Even though we met once in 3 months( no thanks to my busy schedule and my ex not letting me know where they are staying) but I call my daughter and talk to my children often. So, as a result of that, each time we see each other, we would group hug, kiss, and surely go out and have a great time, even if its less than a day.
This was recorded after not seeing them for more than 2 months. True love never fades, and the love I have on my lovely three children is immeasurable.
Today, I can smile. It soothes me when I am at work helping others, just to realize I've lost a wife, but others lost their life.
I still have a good job, three wonderful intelligent children, and every reason to start life over again and be happy. Why shouldn't I? I live only once, and I ain't going to question why this happened to me, and be sad about it, while she remained ruthless and demanding. I don't care if she has a steady or was that particular day just a one night stand. I have only one direction in life, and that is up.
I am beginning to hear bells ringing, birds chirping in the morning greeting me, the movement of branches of trees as its waving at me. I start to have colours back in my life. I look forward for better life, and I will have a better life.
My tear ducts are dry now. No more crying at the middle of the night. Now my life is filled with vivid colours, I look at the sky, and this is what I see now.
The funny thing is, I shot this photo in Melaka, and I could never imagine the photo will turn out so beautiful, and no I didn't alter the effects or add the rays from the sun. This is the original photo, never been photoshopped or altered in any way. This is how I view life today. It's beautiful..... I know my dad is watching me from above. I will always remember him telling me this while I was in India, feeling depressed after breaking up with my girlfriend then....
"Chee Hung, Mother Earth does not flourish only with bright sunshine and beautiful weather, but with thunderstorms and natural catastrophe. A diamond is worth millions after a stone being subjected to million of years of extreme pressure and heat. Let the past be the past, you can't do anything about it. The future is unpredictable. What you truly have is the present. Do well at the present moment, make all the right decisions, and you will reap what you sow."
Thank you, Papa.. I love you so much.
