Am I truly happy?

Lately I've been reading and watching plenty of self help, motivational, and inspirational videos and books. My regular attendance at the free clinic in Jalan Pudu on every first weekend of the month is in fact, a form of self therapy, a reminder that no matter how bad my life is, there is always someone out there who lives a harder life.
I know I don't have to be what people said I am or should be. Ultimately, it's I who dictates who I ought to live my life.
No matter how hard I try to ignore all the negative remarks thrown at me, everyone has its own limitation. I am one person who constantly gets negative remark from my own flesh and blood. No matter what I do, the negative impression has already being embedded in their minds. That I am the black sheep of the family. It doesn't matter that I've donated more than RM30k for charity, regular quarterly donation of blood to a Thallesemia Major child for 4 years while in university, that I helped to set up a school whilst studying in India for the poor and unprivileged children, but all of these were done without any knowledge or whatsoever by my parents.
This post is written as an expression of my penned up feelings after I had a talk with my dad this morning. I am constantly being compared to my siblings, who are financially stable, with fat bank accounts. Unfortunately, in my family, a fat bank account equates success in life. Needless to say, therefore to their eyes, I am a useless son.
After I found out that my dad has cancer, each time I spoke to him through the phone, my heart melts, and the sadness was overwhelming. I would shed tears, I would cry whenever I speak to my dad. My mum on the other hand labelled me as useless and weak for shedding tears whenever I speak to my dad. I simply couldn't accept the fact that my dad is dying.
Shouldn't she instead label me as useless if I sound happy and laughing away each time I speak to my dad when I know his prognosis is grim?
My children aren't spared as well. They are constantly being compared to my sister's children. They've complained that the house is messy, filled with toys, and they were actually pissed when they say the two terrapins that I got for Isabelle.
Aren't grandparents supposed to love their grandchildren more than their actual parents do? Why is my family being the exception?
Why are they being skeptics on my transformation. I've changed for the better. I am a health freak now. I used to be obese, lethargic, basically unhealthy and very unattractive to look at. After losing over 20 kg, today, i cycle 30km daily, and would lift weight for 2 hours without missing a session for the past 4 months.
My therapist sees the transformation in me. He questioned me why am I punishing myself? (which he though I was) but in fact, I became addicted to being fit and i've never felt any better than this.)
He actually asked me whether am I planning to join competitive body building as I did during my university years.
If an outsider can see the transformation within me, why can't my own parents see that? This is the main reason, perhaps the only reason for my unhappiness.
I know I am done trying to prove myself to my parents. Only God and my wife knows and understands me. That would be enough for me.

Drug addiction and abuse

2 years ago I wrote a post that attracted quite a number of questions and comments, instead of expressing their views and concern, majority of them mailed me instead.(Click HERE) Most of them are disheartened and found no way out to manage family members who were addicted to such drugs. Some are driven into bankruptcy, some ended with divorce, some ended with physical abuse, but a large number of them who still cares for their love ones is still trying to find a way out of this addiction that had damaged relationships, and worst of all, I've had a number of overseas patient who's spouse are addicted to such drugs, whom they've just had newborn, and it's most disheartening when they expressed their plan to leave their spouse.
But the question is, who is at fault?
Many of them seek help, but 95% of them would relapse back into their old damaging habits. Some got themselves checked into rehab centres, some seek help from psychiatrist, some turn to God, but unfortunately to no avail, the temptation of the drug is simply overwhelming.
Older drugs like Dormicum(Midazolam) is one of the most abused drugs today.
Dormicum comes in 15mg and 7.5mg strength.
I've seen patients taking 50 of such tablets per day. Another drug which is gaining popularity and increasing abuse and addiction is Stilnox(Zolpidem) that originally produced my Sanofi Adventis.
While Sanofi claimed they had produced a non addictive sleeping pill, but today, we know it's not true. The addiction and abuse on this "non addictive" drug is increasing as time passes by. I've personally know people who took 80-100 tablets per day, some take it even during the day just to function normally as they would go into withdrawal symptoms(agitation, withdrawal seizures, mood swings, tremors,etc.) if their body system is devoid of such medication.
Of course if compared to heroin, which is the most addictive among all drugs, however, sudden withdrawal from heroin does not pose danger to the patient. As a matter of fact, such drugs which are taken orally, they would definitely get a seizure if they run out of supply. One would know the danger of seizure. Repeated seizure would damage the brain to a certain extent, and while a person gets a fit for say 5 minutes, during the episode, the person would not be breathing for 5 minutes. The moment the brain devoid of oxygen for 3 minutes, brain damage occurs.
Despite their claimed that it does not produce addiction, but ANYTHING, ANY SUBSTANCE that gives instant relieve to a troubled mind, or stress, would eventually become dependent upon it, and as time goes by, addiction occurs.
Now, most drug addiction expert or psychiatrist would treat the addiction by two methods, either by slowly tapering the dosage, or by drug replacement therapy.
While these two methods MAY proved successful in stopping the drug intake, unfortunately, 95% of them are only temporary. Majority of them even with the correct and genuine determination, would relapse. Why?
If you walk into any private hospital in KL, I DARE TO BET the patients would be given a limited period of time, heavily charged for the doctor's "invaluable" help, before calling the next patient. What is more disheartening is that as a psychiatrist, some of the doctors do not even look at the patients. No eye contact. Yes!
All their methods are all wrong. Instead of being doctor, psychiatrist who treats patient for addiction should talk to their patient as friends, get to know them better, understand them, understand their problem, then only would they be able to treat the problem.
The issue is not about drug replacement. The aim of the treatment is not only to get the patient to stop taking these drugs, but to stop taking these drugs permanently and change their lifestyle around for the better. Then only would it ensure a successful treatment.
Ever thought why a person start taking drug, alcohol, gambling, etc... in the first place? Ok, for drug addicts, they are sent to rehab centre, alcoholics and gamblers to AA centres(alcoholic anonymous), but how long would they refrain themselves before relapsing back to their old ways?
Now, since I am writing a post regarding drug abuse, let's just concentrate on it.
It takes a good, understanding psychologist, and not a psychiatrist to treat drug addiction. A psychiatrist may not necessarily be a good psychologist. But a good psychologist is a good psychiatrist.
Psychiatrist today, just like anyone else, pay less attention to the patient, not trying hard enough to understand what the patient is going through, not realizing that every patient has their unique set of problems. They have become rather mechanical in their management. Drug addiction, hence either lowering the dose, or drug replacement therapy.
The right way of treating patient would be to identify the REASON for the patient that made them start taking the medication in the first place. Even after rehab, but assuming the underlying problem persisted, its just a matter of time before they fall back onto the same problem. Stress, poor coping mechanism, seeking instant relieve from daily stress, peer pressure, financial problems, basically any problems that drove the patient to lose themselves, to forget about the main issue, to escape from the problems the troubles them, would need to be openly discussed and taken into account.
This of course goes hand in hand with the CORRECT drug replacement therapy.
What I am trying to convey is that there is a solution to every problem. For those who is thinking of leaving your partner because of his seemingly incurable addiction, there is a way, it's just that you have not met the right doctor/person to help. ALWAYS REMEMBER, THERE IS A SOLUTION TO EVERY PROBLEM.
As every problem is individualistic, I beg you to please trust me. Please don't jump into conclusions and making decision without exploring further options. If you have not found a solution, it doesn't mean there is no solution, it doesn't mean that your partner has gone to the point of no return, it's simply because you have not found the solution.
I personally know ex heroin addicts whom today has become important member of society, some became medical and psychological counselors, some motivational speakers, some successful millionaires. If they can beat the addiction from heroin addiction, there is no reason why they can't beat benzodiazepines addiction. Please write to me at drwan76@yahoo.com.
The information and respond that I provide are free since these individuals are troubled, disturbed, rather than being a menace.
Please view them as people who has lost their way in life, who couldn't find a solution, instead of merely an "addict.".
PLEASE WRITE TO ME....
Thank you.

Me!

I am human,
I have peccadilloes that makes me a man
What do you expect me to become
A human, or to neglect my family and being a zombie?

I work 12 hours a day, 6 days a week
It's only for a 2 hours I break daily
To rest, to break, to keep my sanity
I work on holidays, I skip meals daily
why are you questioning my work ethics
I've worked 4 years without salary
I have a family too, stop questioning my integrity

Asking me not to relax too much
is 2 hours a day too much to ask?
I'm testing my sanity within this 4 walls
sit here all day long waiting for patient to come along

can you FUCKING SEE THE CHANGE IN ME
IN 3 MONTHS I'VE LOST 20KG
I'VE CHANGE MY LIFE 180 DEGREE
DAILY I CYCLE FOR 30KM, NIGHT TIME I WORK OUT TILL 1 AM

STOP QUESTIONING MY LIFESTYLE
YOUR ELDEST ISN'T THE ONLY ONE
WHO WORKED HER ASS OFF
YOU COMPARED ME TO HER, STRESSED ME UP
JUDGING SUCCESS BY SALARY, YOU THINK GOD JUDGES BY MONEY?
SO WHAT'S IF YOU HAVE MILLIONS IN YOU ACCOUNT
DOES IT MATTER IF YOUR LIFE IS ON THE COUNT DOWN?
YOU CAN'T CARRY A SINGLE FUCKING CENT WHEN YOU ARE DEAD
SO WHY ARE YOU ALL JUDGING ME BASED ON WHAT I HAVE?

I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, AND THREE ANGELIC CHILD
THEY WORTH MORE THAN ALL THE MONEY YOU EARN IN THREE LIFETIME
"SHE WORK SO HARD I PITY HER" YOU KEPT ON TELLING EVERYBODY
I GAVE MY BLOOD, MY MONEY, MY TIME TO SOCIETY IN ANONYMITY
YOU ARE BLINDED BY THAT, WHY DON'T YOU JUDGE ME BY MY DEED?
YOU CONDEMNED EVERYBODY ON HOW IMPERFECT THEY ARE, BUT YOU FAIL TO SEE
YOU ARE BLIND ON THE FAULT WITHIN YOU, BUT ON OTHER YOU SEE
THAT'S HYPOCRITE TO THE HIGHEST DEGREE

I TUG MY CHILDREN TO BED, I SPEAK SWEET LULLABIES TO THEIR EARS BEFORE THEY SLEEP
THE FIRST THING I SEE WHEN I WAKE UP ARE MY ANGELIC THREE
THAT'S WORTH MORE THAN DIAMONDS AND MONEY
I HAVE A LIFE TOO CAN'T YOU SEE

IF THIS IS THE WAY YOU JUDGE YOUR CHILDREN, WHY EVEN BOTHER TO GIVE ME LIFE
IF NOT FOR MY FAMILY I WOULDN'T HAVE SURVIVED
I CRIED FOR YOU WHEN I KNEW YOU WERE DYING
BUT HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT ME WHO LOVE YOU EQUALLY?

YOU COMPLAINED YOUR TREATMENT CONSUMES MONEY
HAVE YOUR PRECIOUS RICH DAUGHTER CONTRIBUTE FINANCIALLY?
DESPITE EARNING MONTHLY 5 FIGURE SALARY?
I LOVE MY WORK, I HELPED, I CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY
WHILE YOUR RICH DAUGHTER GOES FOR MASSAGE 3-4 TIMES WEEKLY,
SPENT HUNDREDS IN HAIR SALON,WHILE I SPENT RM10 IN INDIAN BARBER ONCE IN 2 MONTHS,
HAVE MY MEALS IN COFFEESHOPS, WHILE SHE SPENDS HUNDREDS IN FANCY RESTAURANT
WHY ARE YOU COMPARING ME? OUR CIRCUMSTANCES ARE SO DIFFERENT CAN'T YOU SEE?
I NEED TO SHOUT IN THIS POETRY, LISTEN TO ME, I AM GOING TO PUT A BULLET THROUGH MY HEAD IF AGAIN I LISTEN TO YOU COMPARING HER WITH ME,
OR I'LL HANG MYSELF ON THE CEILING WITH MY LAST WORDS WRITTEN IN BLOOD
SPLATTERED ON THE WALLS FOR EVERYONE TO SEE
HOW YOU BROUGHT ME UP AND TORTURE ME MENTALLY
DESPITE TRYING SO HARD I'VE CHANGED MY LIFE AROUND
YOU'RE STILL BIAS WHEN YOU JUDGE ME
I CAN''T TAKE IT ANYMORE
SHE EARNS 5 FIGURE SALARY, AND SPENDS MONEY ON LUXURY
I DON'T EARN LIKE HER, I LIVE IN POVERTY,
YOU WILL NEVER SEE, BECAUSE OF MY ANGELIC THREE
HARDSHIP AIN'T NOTHING TO ME
MY LIFE IS HEAVENLY, YES, IT IS HEAVENLY
I SOUR THE SKY DAILY ALONG WITH MY GOLDEN THREE
DO YOU HAVE SOMEBODY TO GREET YOU DADDY,MUMMY, LIKE ME?
NO YOU DON'T, YOU JUST HAVE A WALLET FILLED WITH MONEY
WHICH YOU DIE, AND CAN'T BRING ALONG ANY
I HAVE SWEET MEMORIES, EVEN IF I DIE TODAY, I DON'T REGRET ANY
YOU TOLD ME NOT TO HIDE ANYTHING FROM MY THERAPY
WELL I AM NOT HIDING NOW, I AM TELLING THEE
YOU ARE THE ONE THAT IS STRESSING ME
YES YOU, YOU, AND YOU THREE
YOU MAY GIVE ME THIS BODY, BUT IT WAS GOD WHO GAVE ME LIFE,
ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME,NOT YOU,DAD AND MUMMY......
I MAY BE USELESS TO YOU TWO, BUT APPRECIATE BY MANY
I KNOW MYSELF, JUST AS GOD KNOWS ME
MY LIFE IS ABOUT PURSUING HAPPINESS AND EQUANIMITY
AND ITS NOT ALL ABOUT THE FUCKING MONEY
WHICH IS HOW YOU COMPARE MY SISTERS WITH ME

-WAN CHEE HUNG 26/12/2011

I want to be free

I wish to be a musician, so I could play my heart's content
I wish to be a poet so I could write feeling's out
I wish to be an painter and draw beautiful pictures
I wish to be a soldier, to fight for love
I wish to be a diver, in search for pearls
I wish to be a climber to touch the sky
I wish I could be anyone I want to be
Bring alive my fantasies
But I am trapped in this body
I am a doctor that heals
I want to go to heaven to touch God's face
Do I want to be a dreamer that sleeps
Do I want to be a sinner, that weeps
Or an angel, under grace and soar the sky
I am human with endless possibilities
But I am trapped within this body
I never lived for me
I can't be free
I live for everybody except for me
I am trapped within this body
This body trapped within this vicinity
I dream to be free
Not free from responsibility, but free to be anybody
I wish I could fly to soar the sky
I wish to swim with the dolphins in the seas
There are times I wish I am someone else
Rather than being myself
I have no one to talk to hence I write poetry
that's the only way my mind can be free
I keep all the troubles to myself
With no one to share my feelings with
That explains why I react irrationally
People tends to judge me
how I wish if only they would know me
well enough before concluding upon me
I want to travel endlessly
I want to know how its like to be human, and not only
being me
I had a wonderful childhood, but its only part of me
I've got a whole lot more ahead of me
I want to climb mountains, cross the seven seas
I've helped the sickly, I've healed many
no the other hand I've failed in my duty
part of me became empty when I tell the family
that their love one died, and it took along part of me
it affected my sanity, I was warned not to take it personally
but what if it's my family
God please appear before me
Show me the way, I beg You to guide me
how to be human, how to live correctly
I want to touch you, speak to me
Instead of persistently testing and breaking me

-Wan Chee Hung

Untitled

There are times when I am alone
I contemplate this life of my own
What's the purpose of living if its filled with sufferings
They said experience is what you get if you don't get what you've been wanting

They said life is the greatest teacher
That we learn from mistakes, and gain knowledge
But a lifetime is simply not enough
to learn about life through mistakes all the time

Disappointments, sadness, bitterness will break you
despite being tough and persistent strong will
The closest person whom I depend upon
Also are the people who made me lost and life gone wrong

I pray God, with tears of blood
I called Him by all names that I could
Whether its Jesus,Krishna,Buddha, or even Allah
I felt forsaken, I felt They didn't lend me an ear
When I need them the most, when I feel my demise is near

Why am I being judged by my own flesh and blood
They've made millions, while mine is a brand new start
But I know in the end of our existence, we can't bring anything along to heaven
so what makes you think having a millions equates achievements?

The Lord judges me through my thoughts and action,
Not by the amount of money that I've earned
Please stop judge me for what am
But I beg you to see me for who I am

Despite the imperfections,
I am merely a human
I make mistakes, I turn heads
Just because what I did wasn't right,
But it definitely doesn't mean I was wrong

I start my day by reciting psalm 5
God open your heavenly gates, and lend me an ear
when I call upon your mighty name, please listen to my prayer
I've changed, working hard for a new beginning,
You kicked me down to the ground, I have wound behind my neck
from my past actions, that I regretted, but you wouldn't pull the knife back

I've been stabbed by my own flesh and blood,
why do that, what have I done wrong, have I been bad?
Do you enjoy seeing my face down on the dirt
I'll stand up one day, standing 10 feet tall, know that....

--Wan Chee Hung

untitled

sometimes I feel like gasping for air
the life that I live seem devoid of purpose and meaning
Why even bother existing
when I don't even feel like living

People who are closest to me
are in fact people who are furthest to me
highly educated, well experienced,
yet lack understanding their own son

Was is my fault I don't achieve success
When I've already done my best
You wanted me to change
I've changed so much, I've been my best

But my best wasn't good enough
Cause you don't see money coming from me
For 4 fucking years I've worked without taking a leave
for 4 fucking years I've worked without a salary

I've walked through the valley of shadow of death
No one helped me, I was down on my knees
the devil was prancing on me
I needed help but nobody was there for me

For the longest time my mind was in a cold dark place
I was trapped, trying to escape this horrible place
I was once dependent on sleeping aid
Ever ask me why I took instead of labeling me as a drug addict?

I need a place to escape
No place on earth where I can contemplate
upon my life you think it's easy to live
You have any idea how many time's I've thought of shorten my life?

When I wanted to inject the substance to end my life
all I see was my children's eyes
I dropped the syringe and seek help
I'll fight on, no thanks to your fucking help

When my youngest son was born
I begin to see life beyond my own
I saw the purpose of my life now
It's directly opposite of the way you taught me how.

Sometimes I Cry

Sometimes when I am alone
I cry because I am on my own
The tears I cry are bitter and warm
They flow with life but take no form
I cry because my heart is torn
and I find it difficult to carry on
If I had ear to confide in
I would cry among my treasured friends
But who do you know that stops that long
to help another carry on
The world moves fast and it would rather pass you by
then to stop and see what makes you cry
It's painful and sad and sometimes I cry
and no one cares about why....